It’s obvious because I had this feeling for you. And sometimes I regret it.
But it also got me thinking about how you tell me you feel about your life. How you feel about the things that happen (or doesn’t happen) to you. And I started wondering about those things you always tell me whenever we get in touch.
When we’re not satisfied with something we go there and change it. Or move from it. If you have head aches, you look for the medicine to stop it. If your leg breaks you go to the hospital and fix it. If it hurts and bothers, we always look for a way to solve this pain. But what you say doesn’t make sense. If you’re not happy why don’t you hunt for your happiness? If you’re pretending something, so… How could you pretend for so long? And if you believe it, how long have you been lying to yourself? Once you told me nothing was like it seemed to be. Then you’re living a lie. Or are you a liar? ‘Cause you always say how unhappy it’s your relationship and how boring it is to be by her side. You say it like you were happier when we were together. But were we? And are you happy now? If you’re not comfortable there how could you never leave? Are you going to spend the rest of your life beside someone you don’t feel completely comfortable with?
I have my theory. You’re blind.
Oh those bright green eyes. If they could ever see what’s behind that heart.
I don’t know how you are now. I don’t even know how you feel about your relationship. Writing it to no one read (or maybe a few people who knows about this weblog) is not a way to show I want you back because I don’t. Unfortunately, your presence (even by a simple ‘best wishes’ through whatsapp) hurts a piece of my soul that is still connected to yours. When will you wake up and realize what you’ve been doing of your life? What came to me is that you’re accommodated to the situation. I bet it’s not that bad living with her. She’s smart and have her particular beauty. You have sex, have someone who you can count with and that’s fine. Even if it’s not the best relationship of your life (what doesn’t exist cuz perfection is something impossible). The thing is and now I speak directly to you: you are a coward. Just like most men. I can’t believe how could I had given my purest feeling for someone who can’t take a simple decision of his own life.
I’m not a godness or super-human. I have my fears I have my insecurity and my frustrations. Sometimes I can’t take decisions too. I’m not immune to depression and actually, I have problems with that. My life is not perfect. But I know what I want and what I don’t. And my dear, we all choose something. Even if it looks like you don’t have a choice. But you have. And that hurts deep. That hurts me all the time. Cuz I’m accommodated to situations too. But I fight everyday to find a good way out. And my fight is mine. You never knew and will never know how I feel and what I have to face everyday and how some of these things breaks me completely.
Well, I’m writing again because I needed to pull it out in some way. And this is it. Writing again about you and about everything that happened and that still happens. I hope you sincerely read these words and think about it with the heart. And I hope these words bring you a feeling of change. I opened a very fragile door to my soul and you brought a lot of pain to it. Now the scars don’t let me forget about it. I never felt like this before about someone. And I pray to god I’ll never feel again. You know how I am. It’s February 2nd and we are in 2020. Almost four years since you destroyed my hopes. But I’m stronger now and the far I get from that event the more I see how we went wrong. I’m sorry for the rudeness in my words but that’s what the rude ending did to my heart and soul. But don’t loose your faith on me, I’m still a good person.
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