Dark but just a game

 Who am I trying to fool? 

This is me suffering again. Like a sad clown. Fooling myself. Again. And I knew it would happen. And sometimes I hate that I need to know everything. But what the fuck am I doing?  Crying again. Dying of crying. Why don't you just follow the obvious? You are the only one to blame. 

But i don't blame my courage. I feel. And when i feel i show. And I am intense af. Yeah! And fuck people fear that a lot. I wanna die. I wished to be dead so many times I guess it will happen whenever I'm not even waiting for it. And I don't say it because I'm maybe broken hearted. I say that because everytime I fall on the same trap which I already know so well i feel like I'm a complete idiot. How can you let yourself exposed this way? 

Though. That's what I want to be. Maybe I am. I just wanna run and hide. I just want to disappear. I just want this pain to go away and stop crying like a baby. Things like this happen just so I can hate myself more and more. So if I hate myself so much how can I expect love? What is this lesson that I still have to learn? Why do I fright people this way? Feels like I'm never enough for someone. Feels like I'm nothing or too much. I don't even give space for them to miss me. I'm always there at their feet doing whatever is necessary to catch their attention. Maybe I'm just needy. 

I don't wanna play this game anymore. I don't wanna feel this pain anymore. But what am I actually crying for? For him or for my pride? At the end of the day I'm just another loser.