What am I looking for?

 Heartbroken girl.

What am I looking for? I always avoided it now I'm crying over another loser. Do I need to be so mean to myself? Do I need to be so mean to him? What the hell is wrong with me?! Should I end up this struggle? Is this only fear? 

I swore I would let myself feel it this time. But with the sugar comes the spikes. I know it's gonna hurt. I know I'm hurrying up the pain. But still is so painful to notice that I'm the only one feeling it. I feel so damn stupid. I hate feeling this way. I used to be the wicked. This makes me feel weak and sometimes divine. It's so pure but also it feels like I'm lying to myself. Who am I trying to fool?

I swore I'd never let myself get so hurt again. What kind of situation am I living? Is this my fault? I'm more than old to understand. But it's like a black whole pulling me to its eternal fall. But will I survive? What am I getting into?